Written by: Tanawan Sukonthapanich
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the following resources that are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week:
Call or text 9-8-8, for anyone in Canada who is thinking about suicide, or who is worried about someone they know. For more information visit 988.ca.
The Hope for Wellness Helpline, 1-855-242-3310, offers immediate help to all Indigenous people across Canada.
Visit BounceBack for a Free CMHA Mental Health Skill Building Program
Visit the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention - For more Information & Resources for those experiencing suicidal thoughts and those impacted by suicide.
A few months ago, I wanted to contribute my experience with Mental Health and Scleroderma to the Scleroderma Blog, something meaningful—something honest, vulnerable, relatable, and inspiring. To be completely honest, I struggled with feeling that I was not in a place to communicate anything that would be empowering or inspiring for others…
From a young age, even in elementary school, I struggled with my mental health, particularly my self-worth. I believed that purpose came solely from what you could provide to others. Anything less than selflessness felt like being a leech on this earth.
Deep-rooted insecurities, perhaps inherited from my early years, began to manifest in physical symptoms. Years of chronic stress, high-functioning anxiety, and PTSD eventually forced my body into a darkness I was once too ashamed to share. Mental health was never a topic of discussion at home, and in my family’s culture, it remains largely taboo.
I struggled with writing about mental health because being truly honest about my experiences felt far from inspiring. However, through conversations with community members, patients, caregivers, and healthcare professionals, I realized how deeply mental health affects our overall well-being. I came to understand that managing a chronic illness involves paying close attention to both physical and mental health. This realization empowered me to share my story in hopes that it might help someone feel less alone.
It’s strange what we come to accept as “normal” when there’s no actual baseline to compare it to. I normalized thoughts like “Maybe everyone would be better off if I disappeared” or “I’ll never be good enough; so what is the point?” These thoughts fueled my perfectionism—striving to achieve the best in everything to find purpose and to avoid being a burden.
My attempts to find a "perfect" way to end my life only led to spiraling panic attacks and living in constant survival mode.
Fast forward to 2023: my diagnosis left me unaware of the anxiety it triggered. I kept the diagnosis and its challenges private, mainly to avoid burdening others. This tendency to minimize my health needs I would come to learn was a defense mechanism. I believe many of us do this, knowingly or unknowingly.
Having always relied on myself and my body, I was unprepared for a situation where I could no longer provide for myself, let alone others. This left me feeling lost, empty, and devoid of purpose. Despite having loved ones, especially my partner, I struggled to find my place in a world where everything seemed to be stripped away in one sentence: “You have a rare, chronic autoimmune disease with no known cure or cause. Your body is attacking itself.” I would finish the sentence with: "because of myself."
In those moments, I felt like I was suffocating, but it didn’t have to be that way.
I’ve had close calls, including since my diagnosis, and I’m deeply grateful to my healthcare providers for saving my life. I remember going to my therapist in crisis, asking how do I get myself out of this, I can’t shake the feeling, but I also know it’s not the right thing to do. She told me at that point, I had to fight. Not forcing that I needed to want to live, but that I had to fight. My Primary Care team provided the necessary support for me to continue this fight for both body and mind. To those who know me, it might be surprising to learn how often I considered suicide. This is why I feel it is so important for the conversation to be started, and awareness be brought forward.
Today, I am committed to improving both my physical and mental health, learning that the two go hand in hand. Through resources recommended by others, including an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Program for PTSD at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Hamilton, I’ve learned that keeping things simple and focusing on what adds value to my life has brought me more peace than I’ve ever known.
To ground myself, I focus on my values. If a thought does not add value, I do my best to let it go and give myself some grace. This practice requires effort and can be frustrating, but with time, it becomes easier, and more effective.
I have chosen to live by three foundations:
1. Gratitude - The more grounded in gratitude you are, the less you need and the more you appreciate.
2. Respect, including self-respect - Live and let live, for yourself and others.
3. Being present and mindful - Because all we truly have is the present moment.
The mental health battle for those with chronic illness is ongoing and comes in waves. Equip yourself with tools, strategies, support systems, and self-respect. Each time you face the battle, you learn to navigate it better and overcome it more calmly and swiftly.
If you are a fellow patient who has felt or is feeling the same, I hope that sharing this helps you feel connected to the community that has truly supported me over the past year. I hope you feel empowered to take steps forward for yourself.
Written by: Tanawan Sukonthapanich
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the following resources that are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week:
Call or text 9-8-8, for anyone in Canada who is thinking about suicide, or who is worried about someone they know. For more information visit 988.ca.
The Hope for Wellness Helpline, 1-855-242-3310, offers immediate help to all Indigenous people across Canada.
Visit BounceBack for a Free CMHA Mental Health Skill Building Program
Visit the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention - For more Information & Resources for those experiencing suicidal thoughts and those impacted by suicide.
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